This is a good one…:)

13 Things PMS Stands FOR

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one :

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Ah, so true, so true…lol

{{hugs}}

Trista

Thish one is hilarious…lol

I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?” 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do..

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” 
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed. 

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked
“
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged. 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . …Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife..

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just . just . .. . excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood. 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly..
“
Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just .that .. ..
I’m picturing you pulling on its . .. . its. . teeny little . . “
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.

Lizards lay eggs!

Here’s a new one ot add to our list of funnies…:)

Ever wonder in your relationship, how ‘the fight’ started…:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift…
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started…
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started…
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. ..

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds..’
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

I rear-ended a car this morning… So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started….
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

Southern women know their summer weather report: 
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots: 
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody’s first name:
Honey
Darlin’
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

                                               Baptist
                                               Catholic
                                               Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl’stn ( Charleston )
S’vanah ( Savannah )
Foat Wuth ( Fort Worth )
N’awlins ( New Orleans )
Addlanna ( Atlanta )

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen: 
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Spa

The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism’s: 
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit,

and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.” 
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.” 
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in:

“Going to town, be back drekly (directly).”
_____

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. 
_____

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is.. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.

If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’! 
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and

“a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash. 
_____ 

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody! 
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y’all is singular, all y’all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. 
_____

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine
Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk. 
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.

You just say,”Bless her heart”… and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff…bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language! 
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I’m not from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.” 

{{hugs}}

Trista

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
 Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 
 Keep reading-they get better!!! 
    
   
WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
 As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’ 
    

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
 pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider. 
   
 WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
 An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
 neither of them wanted to concede their position.
A s they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’ 
   
 WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
 The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’ 
   
 
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don ‘t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
 ’The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
 God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
 God made me  stupid so I would be attracted to you. 
   
 
WHO DOES WHAT
 A man and his wife were having an argument about who
 should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first,
 and then we don ‘t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
 The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and
 you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
 Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’ 
  

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
 ’Please wake me at 5:0 0 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was abo ut to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
 Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.. 
      

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a   rough draft before the masterpiece

From the Sun Sentinal.

We all know the dangers of driving while texting or talking on a cell phone. Now Florida Keys law enforcement officers add a new caution: Don’t try to shave your privates while driving, either.

Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle accident on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat, reports keysnews.com.

It wasn’t a close shave — it was a total wreck.

“She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit,” Trooper Gary Dunick said. “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot … who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, ‘Nothing will ever beat this.’ Well, this takes it.”

Megan Mariah Barnes should not have been driving.

The day before the wreck Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license.

After the accident Barnes and her ex-husband, Charles Judy, drove another half-mile, then switched seats. Judy then claimed that he was the driver.

But the burns on Judy’s chest from the passenger-side airbag deploying told another story. The airbag in the steering wheel did not deploy, according to FHP.

Troopers charged Barnes with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance.

Remember: stay focused when driving and use razor-sharp judgement.

Oh, man. Only in Florida…lol.

{{Hugs}}

Trista

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally,the guys’ side of the story.
(must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear“the rules”
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered “1 “
ON PURPOSE!

1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

How do you serve chicken wings to a man?

It’s all in the presentation.

Hehehe…:)

{{hugs}}

Trista

I think this one is just hilarious…lol

What Starts with F and ends with K??
??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,?‘Harry, what’s your problem?’?

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m?smarter?than she is! I think I should?be in the 3rd grade too!’?

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.?

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the?boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.?

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he?agreed to take the test.?

Principal:?‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry:?‘9.’?

Principal:?‘What is?6 x 6?’?

Harry:?‘36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.?

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,?‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd?grade.’?

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,?‘Let me ask him some questions.’?

The principal and Harry both agreed.?

Ms. Brooks asks,?‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’?

Harry, after a moment:?‘Legs.’?

Ms Brooks:?‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’?

The principal wondered why would she ask such a?question!?

Harry replied:?‘Pockets.’?

Ms. Brooks:?‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’?

Harry:?‘Pants.’?

Ms. Brooks:?What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and?contains thin, whitish liquid?’?

Harry:?‘Coconut.’?

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:?‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’?

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,?‘Bubble?gum.’?

Ms. Brooks:?‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a?dog?does on three legs?’?

Harry:?‘Shake hands.’?

The principal was trembling.?

Ms. Brooks:?‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry:?‘Firetruck.’?

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the?teacher,?‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…..’